Book Extract: How To Start A Riot In A Brothel In Thailand By Ordering A Beer And Other Lesser Known Travel Tips by Simon Yeats

I’m pleased to be welcoming Simon Yeats to Novel Kicks and the blog tour for his book, How To Start A Riot In A Brothel In Thailand By Ordering A Beer And Other Lesser Known Travel Tips.

Book 1 of a hilarious series of travel misadventures and dubious personal introspection by Australian author Simon Yeats, who from an early age learned that the best way to approach the misfortunes of this world is to laugh about it.

Simon shares his comedic insights into the unusual and uproarious elements of living life as an Aussie ex-pat and having a sense of Wanderlust as pervasive as the Spanish Flu in 1918.

From how to keep yourself entertained when unwittingly forced to watch 11 hours of live sumo wrestling in Japan, to surviving heartbreak in India at the hands of a French flight attendant, to 48 hours spent in Nepal that qualify as the funniest most gut wrenching travel experience since Captain Bligh was set adrift in the Pacific, to his unsuccessful attempts at avoiding going to a brothel in Thailand.

Simon Yeats has gone into the world and experienced all the out of the ordinary moments for you to sit back and enjoy the experience without the need to break a leg or rupture a pancreas.

There’s a chance to win a set of all Three Books in Simon Yeats Lesser Known travel tips series in paperback and one set in ePub format below but first Simon has shared an extract from How To Start A Riot In A Brothel In Thailand By Ordering A Beer And Other Lesser Known Travel Tips. We hope you enjoy. 

Content warning: Language

*****beginning of extract*****

If there is any unfulfilled wish in my life, and there is still a chance it could be fulfilled, it is this. This wish is for my old all boys’ high school in Brisbane to invite me to come and speak at the end-of-year graduation ceremony. Speech night, as we call it in Australia.

At these events, every guest speaker in history has droned on for 45 minutes about their achievements and accomplishments in business and how the current crop of graduating seniors is now ready to step out into the world and work their fingers to the bone to reach that same level of success in their lives.

I do not know why we did not just video tape the guy who spoke in my graduating year and replay that speech on a big screen every November after. It is always the same story. The same message. The same, do the same as every person who has gone before you has done.

But I am thinking of being a little different.

Prior to my speech, in front of alumni, parents, and students of my alma mater, the headmaster would cordially introduce me.

“I would like to introduce a former pupil who has gone on to achieve exactly zero success in his particular field of endeavor but who has graciously agreed to address us all tonight,” the headmaster would announce eloquently.

Walking to the podium, dressed in a plain white t-shirt and blue jeans, I would smile at the crowd.

“Thank you for inviting me to come and speak tonight. Congrats to the grade 12 students who are graduating today, and who will wake up tomorrow realizing that high school has done absolutely zero to prepare them for how to enjoy their life,” will be my opening line. “University will undoubtedly prepare you even less. Trade school the same. Bartending school, well, you may have a chance. When you finally learn that your happiness is solely dependent on your actions, not anyone else’s, then you have freedom. Because the single most important thing you can accomplish in your life is to enjoy it. So here is my gold-plated advice, which you can now choose to ignore at your own peril.”

Then I would pause a little. While the crowd hangs in eager anticipation of my next words.

“Travel.” Followed by another long pause as all the faces will turn to each other and quizzical frown. Did he just say travel? “Yes, that is right. I just said travel. One word.” The crowd will again give puzzled looks. “I can see that many of you are shaking your heads. You’re confused. Bear with me on this. I will make it all become crystal clear.” A pause of exactly three point two seconds to ramp up the expectations. “You will never in your life hear a person say that they think they have traveled too much. Never. Now, think about that long and hard for a second. Everything good in life taken to excess at some point becomes toxic to the human body. Food, drugs, alcohol, even water. But not travel. A person only becomes healthier and happier, they more they do of it.”

If there is a glass of water by the podium, I will choose this moment to stop and slowly take a sip. If there is no glass of water, I will pause and flash a disgruntled look at the headmaster for not providing one for his esteemed guest speaker.

“Now, I don’t give a shit where you go. I don’t give a shit how you get there. Just go somewhere. You don’t even have to have much of a plan about what you are going to do when you get there. Work it all out on the way. Don’t work it out and just fly by the seat of your pants on arrival. It does not matter. Just experience other people and other places. Nothing that you think you know of the world right now is even close to truly understanding how it is out there. So, go out and see it all with your own eyes. Drink it in. Breathe it in. Revel in it. It will uplift your spirits against the sadness this world has prepared for you far more than any Sunday morning religious sermon.”

Another pause for effect.

“In thirty years’ time, you would have spent the absolute best years of your life slaving away to accumulate pretty objects. Then you will then get embroiled in a messy divorce and you will reach the point in life when you finally get a glimpse of what it means when the shit hits the fan! You will have to get yourself a lawyer. And this is the time you will find out that all lawyers are absolute c****. When the divorce is all over. You will end up with nothing.”

Stunned hush from the crowd.

“God forbid you are dumb enough to marry a second time. You deserve to lose it all again. But you can never lose the experiences that you will have gained from having traveled,” I will point out. “And please note that I did not say some lawyers.”

I will take another long, deep breath at this moment to let the gravity of my words further sink in.

“So, if you are smart. You graduating students should wake up tomorrow and start thinking about where you want to go on your first trip away somewhere. You will always be a better person for it. And you will never, ever regret your decision.”

*****end of extract*****

About Simon Yeats  – 

Simon Yeats has lived nine lives, and by all estimations, is fast running out of the number he has left. His life of globetrotting the globe was not the one he expected to lead. He grew up a quiet, shy boy teased by other kids on the playgrounds for his red hair. But he developed a keen wit and sense of humor to always see the funnier side of life.

With an overwhelming love of travel, a propensity to find trouble where there was none, and being a passionate advocate of mental health, Simon’s stories will leave a reader either rolling on the floor in tears of laughter, or breathing deeply that the adventures he has led were survived.

No author has laughed longer or cried with less restraint at the travails of life.

Say hello to Simon on TikTok and Instagram.

Click to buy How To Start A Riot In A Brothel In Thailand By Ordering A Beer And Other Lesser Known Travel Tips on Amazon UK, Amazon US and Waterstones. 

*****

Win a set of Simon Yeats Lesser Known Travel Tips series –

Would you like to win a set of the Lesser Known Travel Series by Simon Yeats?

There’s one set of paperback and one set in ePub format to give away.

There will be two winners – first winner will win the paperbacks, second winner will win the ePubs .

All you have to do is click on this link to enter.

The Prize includes copies of:

How to Start a Riot in a Brothel in Thailand by Ordering a Beer and Other Lesser Known Travel Tips

How to Avoid Getting Mugged in Rio de Janeiro by Singing Songs by The Police and Other Lesser Known Travel Tips

How to Survive Making Yourself Look Silly While Dancing with the German Mafia at a Bavarian Nightclub and Other Lesser Known Travel Tips

This competition is open to residents of the UK, US and Canada.

*The Terms and Conditions Part–

UK / US / Canada entries welcome.  Please enter using the Rafflecopter link above. 

The winner will be selected at random via Rafflecopter from all valid entries and will be notified by Twitter and/or email. If no response is received within 7 days then Rachel’s Random Resources reserves the right to select an alternative winner.

pen to all entrants aged 18 or over.  Any personal data given as part of the competition entry is used for this purpose only and will not be shared with third parties, with the exception of the winners’ information. This will passed to the giveaway organiser and used only for fulfilment of the prize, after which time Rachel’s Random Resources will delete the data.  I am not responsible for despatch or delivery of the prize.

by

Laura

I’m Laura. I started Novel Kicks in 2009. I wanted a place to post my writing as well as give other writers like me the opportunity to do the same. There is also a monthly book club, a writing room which features writing prompts, book reviews, competitions, author interviews and guest posts.

I grew up by the sea (my favourite place in the world) and I currently live in Hampshire. I am married to Chris, have a cat named Buddy and I would love to be a writer. I’m trying to write the novel I’ve talked so much about writing if only I could stop pressing delete. I’ve loved writing since creative writing classes in primary school. I have always wanted to see my teacher Miss Sayers again and thank her for the encouragement. When not trying to write the novel or writing snippets of stories on anything I can get my hands on, I love reading, dancing like a loon and singing to myself very badly. My current obsession is Once Upon a Time and I would be happy to live with magic in the enchanted forest surrounded by all those wonderful stories provided that world also included Harry Potter. I love reading chick lit. contemporary fiction and novels with mystery.